Journaling
Wednesday 27th September ‘23
I gave myself
Time
today.
Time to be lazy and sleep in.
Time to gaze outside my window undemandingly.
2 hours’ worth of people
watching
and trees swaying.
Time to eat my yogurt like a true
Cypriot,
Time for coffee to do its magic, Hadjidemetriou style.
Time to feel sleepy without forcefully trying to manifest the energy to
‘start’ the day.
The day has started for me with a comforting embrace.
A rhythmical sensation.
The kind of day that allows for
your mind to meander and
your body to just be.
The kind of day that allows for your eyes to get away from the screen.
your prefrontal cortex to surrender to the momentary expressions of consciousness. Stimuli. Thought. Sensations.
The kind of the day that allows you to lose yourself in thoughts without confinements.
You coexist with all that comes up & hug it.
I am learning how to embrace the pain of warm memories like a child in need of tenderness.
O I am learning.
How to defend the value of sanity and worship the relief of fresh possibilities.
I take in my breaths, I let my soul fill with the sensation of revived air.
Today was the kind of day that allowed me to be.
Evening has
come.
I laid there on the ground, naked.
I meditated to the sounds of pencils and charcoal making love with paper.
I looked over at him from time to time,
his soothing presence and his French silent articulation echoed through my body.
He made me smile, and I thought to myself,
how refreshingly temporary everything is.
I let myself sink into the moment,
feeling the air,
the ground,
the people & the sounds.
Goodnight.
Not Affected by, Naively
Lingering awakeness,
Recognised sharply,
a non existent hand held grasp
Tight around blood infused organs,
Observed as physical discomfort,
Ignored as one too,
Later distinguished as a revisited dose
of the unwanted perplexing decay.
Dilapidated movements of thy temperament,
Once more breeding a new instruction manual,
Must be understood by all,
Accepted, preferably
Not affected by, naively
And distressed by, realistically.
Only later to retire from what once existed
recede at the site of a could be storm
Taking a walk,
Vacating the territory,
Leaving behind a goodbye kiss
Of which
washed its way down along with the sewage
at the touch of water against my skin.
Inevitable inconsistent assumptions
​
Easier to be,
perceived as anything you exhibit
Like a statue with a predetermined expression,
Mustn’t whistleblow a shadow in disguise,
when in reality
being,
is as furthest away from any current state of existence.
Running out of excuses?
Inevitably one must assume,
Withdrawing from all that is
As you vacate the space.
A space that once was yours,
A space you grew fond of,
A space you made your own.
-
No.
Followed by The dearing paralysis,
lacking state of action.
-
Forcibly give the keys away.
You must. But must you really?
Who to listen to?
Following paradoxically inconsistent orders.
Orders from adversed voices
Complying to the less threatening one,
A luring siren filled with a sense of duty
An intent of destruction
poise , easily monopolising what was mine,
Maybe a declaration of void and distress will do the trick
Set off the alarms that make your insides wish they were deaf
Noted as nothing but a petty sneeze.
Is it not up to us, to use the knowledge and resources available inorder to start moving in the right direction? Not by talking more about hypothetical non binding plans or arranging climate summits that have no concrete climate action, but instead take the initiative to act in real time, leading to real change in the education system, green growth rather than business as usual and by implementing regulations that will be made a priority for the health of the planet and its creatures. Yes, that includes us.
Hey Dogmatist
Consider, will you?
The lack of proof.
Listen, will you?
To the unsaid wordless thoughts of equally worthy minds.
Must you direct your spineless timber backbone towards the blue covers?
Are your thoughts distorted
and your quarrels as necessary as the air you almighty ignorantly waste?
Omnipotent thief of reality
Proudly building the base of structures that will never perish in your reign.
Spit it out, as you tend to do,
Dig up that filter you threw out and buried.
Shovel upstream, sweat underwater,
let the fish sunbathe on the shore.
Consider, will you? The fundamental questioning nature of reality,
Flip your way through the pages that will guide you to the antonym of empiricism and
then smell the fullness of your book breath,
maybe then you’ll get some evidence based knowledge pumping through your lungs.
05.02.2021
​
The hours of the day sunlit radiant,
conveniently filled to conceal the schism,
Purposely yet exhaustively gliding by,
Aware of the silence yet to come.
You sit there,
Cross legged,
Just enough space for one leg to dangle off the edge,
A forgotten cup of coffee,
Waiting for your glance to trace your hand around it,
Room temperature,
A hot beverage worst nightmare,
And you are its narrator,
Its creator.
Too busy being in the nothingness of your awareness.
Your thoughts, merely passengers of your vessel,
The hours of the sunlit day,
Eyes tranquilized by the warm embrace of the glass striating rays
Carving their way into my very being
Trying to gloriously fill in the space I have for you in my soul,
That space
What used to be
Is now no longer
​
High Hopes
Pink Floyd
I love everything about our silent exchanges, our goodnights before we close our eyes under the dark tired sky. The way you hold my hand and walk me up the stairs to my room, as if without your navigation and the warmth of out interlocked fingers, I’d be lost.
​
There’s a peaceful, beautiful, endlessly burning fire inside of me, a fire that fuels me with warmth, curiosity, and surprising moments of this wholeheartedly felt love.
​
01.05.2020
​
​
​
When the day is sunlit no more,
And the moon plays hide and seek with the clouds
You sit there quietly,
Breathing
Because that’s all you can do
To cope with the loss.
All you can do,
All that I do, when the sky turns dark,
And time is painfully slow,
I sit there, wondering what you’re doing,
Jealous of the air you’re breathing in,
Envying the company that surrounds you on a Friday night.
While I sit here.
And so I sit, breathing quietly,
Letting my mind hit pause,
Recentre with my gravity.
Sometimes, I even let it travel,
to the space the sun rays no longer fill,
Because for now,
That’s all I can do.
To sleep I must abdicate.
Only then, will you be heard
​
Holding malleable thin wood fibres
against the pores escaping her dead skin
Her nose,
nothing but an aching never ending skyline amazonia river
Must it continuously camouflage the drop like fear within.
I call it out for what it is.
Meandering away from the recurring nightmare of the brain
Pathways chaotically changing
Paths not agreeing
Thoughts that can’t pass the knot in thy throat
Words unsaid
Too many bullet words spoken
Where’s her bullet proof vest?
Can it not be delivered to our door steps
in the time taken for the metal shapes to be fired?
Trigger pulled.
The ground birthing it’s invisible arms
Grabbing onto to her hair
Pull
You must fall
So that the sound of your figure hitting the ground will be heard
Only then will your pain be acknowledged by the blind.
06.02.21
So the lesson is -which is why listening and speaking your truth isn’t as simple as initially thought- that your body, your emotions, your gut; are always trying to grab your attention, and tell you:
“Hey, you need to re centre with yourself. You need to listen to us. Your gut isn’t calm, the emotions you’re feeling, thoughts you are having, need some tender care and attention. Take a pause, breathe and regroup the awareness within yourself.”
Then, the second step, after of course listening to your own truth, is gathering the courage to speak that truth out into the world. Whether it’s your partner, a friend, a family member, someone you met 5 days ago, whatever the situation, whoever the person, regardless if it’s something minuscule or gut trenching, speaking you truth goes hand in hand with appreciating your own values and your own core to the degree of not devaluing and being oblivious to your own raw truth.
So, go ahead, take a few deep breaths, quiet your mind, be the audience to your own mind and let your awareness speak all the truths you’ve been disregarding.
Enjoy the ride, it’s quite the magical journey.
06.02.21
Why is it that every day needs to be put into categories that belong into certain labeled actions?
For example, productivity, mindfulness, self care, a bad afternoon linked with laziness, procrastination linked with a lack of will, a depressive day thought of as a waste of time or maybe even labeled as ‘did nothing’?
By doing this, by attaching certain definitions to different parts of our day, we reduce the totality of our day to whether or not it has value. And what do we determine the value by? At the end of our days, we think to ourselves, did I study? Did I cook? Did I clean? Did I move my body and exercise as much as I should have? Did I complete everything I intended to do when I made my to-do list today morning?
If the answer to these questions is yes, then we immediately feel a sense of proudness, accomplishment, success even. And automatically label that day as a day of value because it was successful.
Whatever determines whether or not it was successful is different for every single person. But the core point of what I’m saying is that the act of imposing labels on different parts of your day and then thinking about whether or not your day had value, in essence results in you treating your day as a task, a chore, a list to tick. When in reality everyday is a continuous spectrum built up of moments, and infinitive feelings, thoughts and emotions that are bound by nothing, and the ability to live.
So let it happen, in a way that feels more natural, more real, less automated and driven less by lists rather than the wants of the moment.
Let life happen to you.
"Time heals"
Does it though?
Well, yes, to a degree it does. But, with the help of Artidote, I have come to the understanding of a very very important element, that is usually not appreciated within those 2 little words. Time is NOT what does that healing. You are. Your decisions, commitments, forgiveness, letting go, accepting, priorities, what you do with your day, body and how you treat your mind.
These are what heal.
Time is simply the vessel, the opportunity that allows you to do what is necessary in order to heal. But time itself isn't the one doing the work. You and I are. We, the awareness of our consciousness, is what does the work. Tuning in with ourselves and learning to flow with your genuine truth, finding comfort in spending time alone, dedicating time to things that make you feel good and produce the ‘good’ hormones.
Don’t let time be misunderstood.
How lovely it is to feel the way I do right now?